About Laurie Gelfand

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About Laurie Gelfand

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Here are my most recent posts

How to Communicate with Spouse and Express Anger

On another page write, “The Kind of Marriage (or Relationship) I want.” Describe what your day might look like, where you might live, the kinds of things you and your spouse might do, how many children you might have, how you treat each other, and what the general feeling is in the home. In chapter 9 you created a “Man Plan” and a “Relationship Map”, so anything you come up with here can be added to that.

Your goals will undoubtedly change over time. It is important that you remain flexible, but it is very helpful to have a good idea of what you want or what you envision for yourself. By having this road map for your life, you will be well on your way to getting what you want.

Mistake #4: They Send Out the Wrong Messages

You may be saying you want to wait, but your body language and appearance may be saying something else. When you send out the message that you are ultra sexy, you usually end up getting the kind of attention that puts you in compromising positions. Don’t be deceived into thinking that men want “sexy.” Men may appreciate a sexy woman, but it is not a requirement for marriage. Men who are serious about 

Watch Out For The Players

Watch Out for the Players

No doubt you have known men who will say and do whatever it takes to get you in the sack. You know, the Casanova type. His game plan is pretty easy to detect, if you’re tuned in and super conscious. He says all the right things:

  • I don’t know what it is about you…I just feel so comfortable when I’m with you.

  • You are the most incredible, beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

  • I feel like I’ve known you forever (In other words, “We don’t really need to get to know each other better before becoming sexual).

  • I could really fall for a girl like you.

  • I’ve never met anyone like you.

 

There are a million variations but the goal is the same: he wants to give you the impression that his feelings are stronger for you than they really are at this point—all in the hopes of getting what he wants. His game plan is to lay it on thick because he knows that women are auditory creatures and that we fall in love through our ears.

Defining “Player”

The definition of player is, “Someone taking part in a game or sport.” So, the man who falls into this category is simply playing games—he’s not a serious candidate for a real relationship based on love, trust, and commitment. He will manipulate, lie, and con, in order to get you in bed. Other ways to know if you’re dealing with a player? Typically players are flakey. He’ll be inconsistent with calling you, and he’ll often be late on dates. He doesn’t follow through on promises because he doesn’t truly care. He is all about himself—what he wants and what he can get. The notion of doing nice things for you is simply a ploy—it isn’t a genuine attempt to please you. If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. If you barely know him and yet he comes on so strong, as if he’s known you forever, beware.

Who They Go After

    Players often prey on the girls who are dealing with major struggles in their life. If you’re down and out, financially strapped, maybe drinking too much and extremely lonely, then you are ripe for a player to come in and make all kinds of promises to help you get out of the mess you’re in. They know how to spot the girl who dresses a little bit too sexy, or who is looking forlorn in the corner. If the player can perceive a need that you might have, that’s how he’ll make his move, and by implying that he will provide whatever it is you need.

What You Should Do

    The last thing you want to do is get involved with a player. It will end up being a quick drive-by and you’ll be left with nothing but a broken heart and more problems than you had before you met him. The idea is to avoid getting involved in the first place. Follow these two simple rules to avoid getting enmeshed with him:

  1. Do not engage in a long conversation with him: the minute you detect bull____, move away from the guy. Pick up your purse and say, “I have to leave.”

  2. Do not give him your number: it will be difficult to get rid of the player once he has your digits. Don’t give out your number unless you know he’s not a player.

 

Also, follow these suggestions and you’ll be safer:

 

  • Remember that you deserve better! You deserve a good man who really loves you and is sincere and real. Promise yourself that you’ll never settle for less.

  • Take responsibility for your own happiness: as I said, players prey on the weak and downtrodden. So make sure you’re taking good care of yourself and that you are at your best. Find your own inner happiness. Eat right and exercise. Dress stylishly but not too sexy. Carry yourself well, with your head high and good eye contact. Let your inner light shine.

  • Learn how to set boundaries:  when you set a boundary, you are drawing a line in the sand. You are telling the other person how they are to treat you. With players, you have to set a strong boundary and let them know that you are absolutely not available—for anything, not even casual conversation (that’s how they get you—they’re masters at changing your mind and convincing you that you need them!).

  • Stay close to family and friends:  if you are insulated and protected by people who love you, your chances of being taken by a player are slim. Listen to your friends and family if they tell you they are suspicious of someone in your life. Don’t push those who love you away—use them as a protective barrier.

  • Be clear about what you want:  if you have a vision of the type of man you want, and you know what you won’t settle for, you are less likely to get sidetracked with the wrong guy. Be crystal clear about what you want and if the guy doesn’t measure up, don’t let him in.

 

The truth is, players don’t like to have to work too hard to get someone—so, if you “set your standard” when he makes his moves, and you make it clear that you don’t jump into sex quickly and that it takes you a long time to get to know someone well enough for that level of intimacy, chances are he won’t stick around for too long.

The key is to not have sex with anyone unless he’s in love, committed, and willing to go the distance with you. It’s a lot to ask, but isn’t he asking for a lot of you? And even though it is possible for a player to become a real candidate as a lifetime mate, in most cases, once a player, always a player.

 

To read more about this topic and others like it, read: Love Before Sex: How to Establish Love and Commitment Before Bringing Sex Into the Relationship, by Laurie Gelfand, Ph.D.